Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
