I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
