Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
