my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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