he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
