Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize
