And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
These tits shall not be calmed
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
