In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
