Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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