the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
