Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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