I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
