I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
