from now on my penis is your penis
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
