My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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