We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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