i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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