I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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