the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Randomize
