Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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