i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
