would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
