His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
