As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
