mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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