I've blown a few things in my day
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
