my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
