Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
