birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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