I think my fart just growled at me.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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