She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
