We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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