forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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