My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
