Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
As shirtless as possible
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
