You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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