the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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