I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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