dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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