He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
