I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize