I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
