I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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