If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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