Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
