I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
