So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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