If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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