I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
