Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
