you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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